


Secret For the Mad

by poserpaste



Category: Paramore
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Happy Ending, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Paramore - Freeform, Recovery, Tayley
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-25
Updated: 2018-09-28
Packaged: 2019-07-17 07:23:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,812
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16090811
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/poserpaste/pseuds/poserpaste
Summary: "It'll all make sense again."__________Hayley never imagined that she would step foot back in Franklin after what happened.





	1. i.

**Author's Note:**

> i've had this chillin around for a long time, so i'm going to try to work on it for real now. hope y'all are ready for this crazy angsty journey.

The rain pattered against the window lightly, the drops falling freely down the glass like teardrops. Green eyes followed one drop, and then another, and another, mind elsewhere as Hayley observed the storm. She was only brought out of her thoughts when thunder rumbled in the distance, and then her gaze wandered to the flowers growing outside the window. Or, attempting to grow. Many of them were struggling to get bigger, the sunflowers beside them thriving instead and then blocking the smaller ones with a shadow.

Somehow, it reminded Hayley of herself.

She didn't realize that she was reaching out for the poor dying flowers, wanting to comfort the plants as if it would help them grow and heal until her pale fingers were met with the cool glass. Her small fingers left prints behind, but they faded into the fog again quickly. She sighed as she let her head fall onto the windowsill in front of her. It made a decently loud sound, loud enough that her best friend Taylor turned around from where he was sat on her floor messing with his guitar with an eyebrow raised. This happened pretty often, Hayley getting lost in her sadness, so he could only ask, "What's up, buttercup?"

It wasn't that surprising to the curly-haired man when he was met with a shrug and another sigh, this one quieter than the first. Somehow, it was filled with more sadness. Hayley had been trapped in her own head for quite some time now, but she was attempting to get better with some time and support from the two boys that loved her through it all.

Keyword: attempting.

 

__________

 

 

Hayley never imagined that she would step foot back in Franklin after what happened, but her best friend had somehow convinced her that maybe it would be good for her to come back and write some, maybe spend a little bit time just enjoying life and being alive. Existing, without any huge responsibilities and burdens. She had spent a good amount of time back home with her parents after calling Paramore off, but that hadn't done much good. It actually may have done more harm than good. She was alone out there, her only friends settled there being her blood relatives.

She really didn't know how she felt about being back just yet.

There was something about the window next to her bed, about the garden beneath it. Sometimes she would wake up in the morning with this urge to cry, the urge to reach out and pull out the damned sunflowers draining the life from the other, smaller flowers. They were being selfish and they weren't even giving the dying ones a chance. She sat back and just watched them die more every morning, drooping over and browning as the life was sucked from them, their leaves falling to the ground. It reminded her too much of herself. Of her situation. Of him and what he had done to her over and over throughout the years they had been together.

It drove her insane, until in the middle of the night one weekend she was digging into the ground, the dirt getting under her nails and all over her oversized shirt as she desperately ripped the sunflowers out of the ground. Her eyes were blurred with tears and her ears were ringing, so much so that she didn't even hear Taylor calling out to her until he collapsed beside her.

"Hayley, what the hell?" There was no anger in his voice. There never was, not toward Hayley. He was so understanding and loved the fragile girl no matter what. Confusion, worry, and maybe tiredness? That was definitely clear in his tone, and in the way he hesitated to reach out and put his hand on top of hers, the one resting steady on the ground to keep her upright as she tugged at a root, as she continued to destroy the once beautiful flowers surrounding the home.

When Taylor's hand came in contact with her own, she froze. Her mind went blank, and then it filled with _oh god, what am I doing, I'm going crazy aren't I? This is it. I'm insane._

She choked on a sob as she fell backwards onto her behind in the dewy grass, too ashamed to make eye contact with her best friend. Hayley didn't care that she was covered in dirt, she didn't care that it was getting on her face as she covered her face and the tears, the shame. She only cared that she had ripped apart something that didn't belong to her, like she had done so many times before.

Taylor understood. He always understood.

There was this connection that they had, and while he might be confused about the intentions and the thoughts that were running free in her fragile mind, he knew the feelings the girl next to him had. Taylor had learned to identify them in the time they spent together. He had dealt with Hayley while she was in a state like this before (not as bad, but close to it, at least). That wasn't a bad thing, though.

Taylor would do it anytime and in any life.

That's why he ended up reaching out to pick Hayley up bridal style, doing so with ease. She weighed almost nothing these days and he was also pretty used to carrying her around, something he did sometimes when they played around backstage. "Hey," He cooed, trying to calm her, "I'm here, I'm here. You're fine. You're going to be alright."

Hayley couldn't get anything out except for apologies between her sobs, her voice raspy and just as broken as the rest of her. She couldn't focus, and she didn't even notice when she was set down in her soft bed and tucked in. She fell asleep with ease, Taylor staying next to the bed without her noticing, but she knew deep down that she would regret waking up the second that her eyes opened. The fact that the sunflowers were now gone, spread all around the grass outside her window... well, that certainly wouldn't help any.

It was an endless battle these days.


	2. ii.

The clear blue water lapped at the edges of the pool and at Hayley’s ankles, making soft splashing sounds. She could hear Taylor and Zac too, but they were currently just background noise to her, chatting it up while they sat on huge floaties in the middle of the pool.

When she eventually let her green eyes wander from her distorted feet to Taylor, zoning back in to her surroundings, he was holding a green glass bottle - beer, of course. It made Hayley roll her eyes and she found herself kicking some water at him. He whipped his head around, damp curls flying all over the place.

“Hey! What was that for?” He pouts, looking down into his beer. He knew the chlorinated water had to have gotten in there, so he attempts to kick at the water and get to the edge of the pool. He makes it and sets his bottle on the edge, but before he can paddle his way back to Zac he’s being flipped over. Taylor hadn’t even noticed the younger man slip into the cool water and swim over, hands reaching under the floaty and pushing upward so that Taylor went into the water, getting completely wet.

He also may or may not have let out a loud pitched squeal, which sent Hayley over the edge and into a burt of giggles. It felt good to laugh; it had been so long since she last had that she couldn’t even remember it. It was like a breath of fresh air.

It didn’t last long.

Her mind took her to another place in no time, back to a time when He had told her that happiness wasn’t for her, even though He forced it on her. Forced her to smile, forced her to act like it was all okay, as if she wasn’t drowning in depression and anxiety. It suddenly felt like the air had been knocked out of her lungs and like everything was closing in on her, and for some reason she craved nothing more than to dive into the deep end of the pool and sit at the bottom until it was finally okay.

It was a repeat of what happened with the sunflowers.

She didn’t know what she was doing and didn’t even think about it as she stood and then jumped in feet first, letting herself sink to the bottom. She squeezed her eyes shut and pulled her legs to her chest, arms wrapping around them.

She liked it. She liked how it was silent except for the muffled voices of her friends above her. She liked the way that the cold water enveloped her frail body, greeting her like an old friend. It was comforting, and that scared her. The ease in zoning out under the water scared her, but she found herself disconnecting in no time. She didn’t notice the loss of air in her lungs or the burning that followed, and she didn’t notice the stars taking over her vision.

Things began to fade out slowly. Everything moved in slow motion as she heard a loud splash, and then felt herself being jerked upward by firm, but somehow gentle hands. All she felt around her was the icy air, and she thought that maybe this was finally it. She was finally free.

That wasn’t the case.

When she opened her eyes, Taylor was above her. His mouth was moving, but her brain wasn’t processing anything that was being said. She just knew that he was yelling, and that was enough to make her turn onto her side and curl up once more. She placed her hands over her ears just in case.

 _He_  would always yell.  _He_  would always tell her how wrong she was.  _He_  would always tell her that she needed to smile more and that she needed to do all of these things that she just didn’t want to do.

She didn’t notice the tears streaming down her face, or that now it was two sets of hands carrying her to a pool chair. A towel was wrapped around her, and the warmth helped some. She felt a hand take hold of her face very gently, and then carefully lift it up. She was met with Zac’s kind eyes, and she could tell he was confused, but he was trying. He offered a gentle smile as he let go of her face, and waited until her hands were off of her ears.

“Hey, Hayles. What’s going on?”

She knew he wasn’t as in the loop with things, but he was trying. Taylor was rubbing his face, but he rushed over when he took in the fact that her ears were uncovered. She went to cover them once more, before he rushed out the word, “Don’t.”

She didn’t.

“I didn't mean to yell. I just-” He paused, one hand pulling at his curls, “Fuck, Hayley, I was so worried. I’m still worried. I love you too much to see you do this to yourself.”

She didn’t know what to say. Zac was wiping the tears off of her cheeks with a clean towel, Taylor was pacing, and she was so ashamed. This guilt continued to grow inside of her, blooming like flowers.

“What happens if I’m out one day and I come back and you’re-”

“I’m sorry.”

Hayley didn’t give him the chance finish his sentence. She couldn’t let him. She knew what he was about to say, and it wasn’t something she wanted to hear. While she was broken up into a trillion pieces and it felt like she couldn’t breathe daily, she never wanted to… die. She never even thought of that.

She just wanted to be a whole again.

The short blonde stood up from her pool chair, ignoring how she trembled as she did so. She grabbed Zac’s hand and tugged him gently toward Taylor, and he helped her stay upright. Once they took those three steps, She wrapped her arms around the two men she loved more than anything as tight as she possibly could. They didn’t have to be here helping her. They didn’t have to try to glue all of those tiny pieces of her back together… but here they were.

She felt like crying again.

She didn’t let go of them for a long time. She didn’t want to yet, and maybe she just couldn’t. She needed this, and deep down, they did too. The three stood there for a long time, huddled together in some sort of group hug as if it would mend the cracks that had formed in their foundation. 


	3. iii.

As soon as Hayley pushes the front door to Zac's home open like she was instructed to do, she was met with the sound of music drifting throughout the entire house. It was smooth, catchy in a way, and it made the corners of the small girl's lips turn up.

She followed the sound to its source, and found Zac leaning way too far back in a chair while strumming a guitar. He seemed to be in the zone, and so Hayley decided to quietly maneuver through the mess of cords and instruments to a couch pushed up against the wall. He didn't take notice her presence until she was settled on the couch, purse set on the ground. Immediately, the younger smiles and stops playing, calloused fingers coming to rest over the worn strings.

"Hey, Hayles!" His voice is full of excitement, and she can tell that this means a lot to him just from that, "Thanks for coming today."

Before she can get a word in, he continues, leaning forward in the chair so that he can place his guitar on the stand where it belongs. He swivels the chair around and says jokingly, "Taylor didn't demand to supervise you this time, huh Spongebob?"

The name takes her by surprise, eyes widening for a split second before she's laughing. Her cheeks are a soft pink, reminding Zac of a peach. The small girl shakes her head, reaching up to shyly tuck a strand of hair behind her ear.

"Wow, thats an old one," She laughs again, "No, he took Alf to..."

There's no need for her to continue the sentence, Zac knows this. He nods sharply, and then forces the smile to stay on his face. Just thinking about how Hayley has to share custody of her dog makes not only him mad, but also Taylor. Not to mention it's probably so disheartening to the blonde.

"Hey, no, I understand," He cuts her off, and then he's standing and making his way over to the couch she's settled on. He plops himself down right next to her and then threw his arm around her shoulders.

"Fuck that guy, Hayley. When Alf comes back, we'll have a party. Maybe we can trick Taylor into eating a dog treat again."

There isn't any room for Hayley to get sad right now, Zac's joke sending her into a fit of giggles as she recalls the time she had tricked the curly-haired man into eating a dog treat when he was trashed, saying it was just a dry cookie. She really wanted to doubt he would do it again, but... he wasn't  _that_  smart when he had downed a couple of drinks.

"I'll make sure to buy an extra one when I go to the store," Hayley reassures her friend, leaning into him. They may not have been the best friends in the universe just yet, but they were old friends and she trusted him deeply - there was comfort in just being next to the people you trusted and loved most.

"Good. I hope we don't accidentally start a prank war," There's a hint of mischief in the younger's voice that elicits an eye roll from Hayley, her mind telling her that those words were a warning. She was not going to get in the way and she was definitely not getting involved in whatever war was started between those two children.

"I'm sure that's what you're hoping for," Is her sarcastic response, followed by, "So, why don't you show me that music you were working on?"

The excitement from earlier is clear in Zac's eyes and in his actions. He jumps up off of the old couch and rushes back over to his chair, where he almost falls in the process of sitting down. The computer in front of him comes to life, and so does a part of Hayley's heart when he begins to talk about all of the songs that are in progress, his voice full of pride.

Maybe good days still existed.


End file.
